Odds and Ends: Flipping through Nigeria’s Public Square

Nwachukwu Egbunike

Accursed be this agwu that often grabs me. While I rather face my work – that which oils my belly – here am I a slave to a passion that will not go. The rumblings in my country these days, rings and shrills. And no matter how hard I try, it’s difficult to ignore.

 

PDP Vs APC

All Nigerian politicians descend from the same scion. They are living tendrils of a fertile but tragic loin. While rumblings spike because of the rising of a new opposition, I am not moved. Why should I skip a heartbeat in excitement, when those who cry foul of PDP are no better? The extension of PDP lives in all these parties.

They might rebrand – with colours unending, mascots and flowery wishes – I dare say they are all the same. All Nigerian politicians are PDP. For what holds PDP, APC, or whatever name they adopt is power! With power comes a direct access to the till and there lies the wealth.

 

Amnesty for Boko haram

That worthy fellow, Shakespeare, voiced these words: “mercy comes to season justice and not replace it.” BH inflicted a volley of deaths, blood and grief on many, they have taken no holiday and some insist they should be pardoned unconditionally.

The pundits are made bold to recall that same was done to those from the creeks and now it’s their turn. Nigeria: turn by turn chopping!

Others state that their victims should forgive. But gloss over the victims who need healing. And other potential victims who might be the next victim of boko haram’s shredding machine.

And meanwhile we brew a curtail of impunity. Here, just don’t worry, detonate a couple of bombs, create panic – kill, kill and kill. Sustain this aggression for some years; your faithfulness will yield abundant cash. Soon the state will fall on their knees, begging you to talk. And they will seal your mouth with cash.

Amnesty is Nigeria’s grand innovation!  We want peace, let piss reign… Long live the ethnic warlords…

Taribu West

They said that Taribu lied about his age, is that news? I wonder the hype: when did footballs in our realm cease having two different years of birth? It’s only the ‘norm’ – like their colleagues in the civil service – to have a natural birthday and a football birthday: Shikina!

And before we create another #MyOgaatthetop, let’s pause a bit. How do you expect the poor man to compete with those oyibo’s? Do you know how long it took him to even join a Nigerian league, played in the national team and then get a placement abroad?

I’m making sense, abi? Welcome to our unending cycle of mediocrity: never accept that you’re wrong; always blame others. It cannot be your fault, it’s the system… blah, blah, blah!

From Alams to Salusi

While the opposition wines in uncouth language, it’s obvious that our president needs some help. It can be pushed from any vast angle but one needs special lenses to see the merit of granting pardon to Alams or appointing Salusi to the council of a university.

The chaotic melody of the Nigerian public space: talk is cheap, never expect action. Fighting corruption without moving an inch, oga president wetin na? It is the Nigerian politicians’ mentality: settle everyone. Be foes to none and friends to all!

The morale of the story: it’s dumb to embrace industry, just become a politician. Steal as much as you can, if you get caught, you’re given a slight sentence. Keep low for a while: return with a bang: a pardon or appointment awaits thee!

 

Nigerian Twittville

Someone on my timeline calls it twitter house of commotion – that’s Nigeria twittville. In Twittville, everything is possible and nothing impossible! Everyday has its own drama, with props and sensation.

Caveat: don’t believe everything you see or hear here! Be cautious in picking your models, it will spare you plenty heart aches.

Retweets – they claim are not endorsements – yet judge your RT’s or be RTed into wahala. Read before you jump. Many are the missiles, these days, from the tweet overlords. Be careful before sending that ‘reply’ to a ‘sub’ that you know not its origin.

And whatever you do, never, never, correct a twit general. It matters not if you’re right and the general is dead wrong. That’s beside the point. Just keep your opinion to yourself: who ever asked you for it?

But don’t forget to have fun; Nigeria’s twittville is also a comedy circus!

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