To the Imperial Prince William and Princess (to be) Kate,
Warm compliments on the announcement of your royal engagement. As a citizen of the commonwealth and one of your ancestors’ former docile subjects, it is with inexpressible joy that I salute you. I wish to propose a change of plans – on behalf of many concerned Nigerians – to have your post-nuptial vacation in Nigeria’s Obudu Cattle Ranch.
It is sad enough that you proposed to Kate in a holiday in Kenya, last October. Obama is from Kenya; his first visit was to Ghana. Enough, Nigerians can stand no longer this snobbery! Consequently to complete the African cycle, it is inevitable that you honeymoon in the continent’s most populous nation. Your majesty, we will raise a ‘mammoth’ crowd to persuade you to come to Naija. Already plans have reached an ‘advanced stage’, in the collection of a billion signatures that will dwarf Daniel Kanu’s Youths Earnestly Ask for Abacha million man march in March.
Do not mind those who are already peddling bad luck for you and your bride. Haven’t you heard that we have Goodluck and Patience in abundance in Nigeria? Besides our religious leaders do not curse, they only bless. As such I assure you more prayers down here than the gaffe of that cockney Bishop. If you need guarantees for a long married life, am sure you will get many spiritual realities in Nigeria.
Why must you come to Obudu? That’s really does not require an answer. I’ll rather you ask why wouldn’t you come? You see, we love life. According to the epistle of the apostle of rebranding, we are good people, great nation. We also love to celebrate. It does not matter if it’s a wedding or a funeral. The main thing is that it’s an opportunity to enjoy.
Ask your granny – Elizabeth – and she will testify to our hospitality. We spent a stingy 3 billion naira in 2003 for the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM); I can assure you that if you come to Obudu in 2011, that sum will be tripled. I don’t understand why the consensus northern president should have allowed the Queen of England and Head of the Commonwealth to rid in an ordinary BMW. This time around we will place an order for a custom built Rolls-Royce; fitted with oye-pumping air-conditioner and resistant to any rocket-launcher. In our country, we do not fear any economic recession according to the professor of CBN. Unlike your clan, who are constantly crying about taxpayers’ maintaining jobless royals, here we gladly maintain a surplus political class.
The reasons are not farfetched. A committee of highly intelligent ministers has to be set up and most probably chaired by the First Dame. The organisation really requires a lot of work and as such special advisers, assistant special bag-carriers, senior minor assistants have to be appointed. Then they all have to inaugurated in Abuja. This entails a great ‘national sacrifice’ to leave their posh homes and camp like school boys in Hilton or Sheraton. Afterwards, the law breakers in the halls of sham have to exercise their over-nose function. This means that some oil has to seep to avoid unnecessary friction. Then the plan proper begins.
What are your favourite colours? This is absolutely essential, because aso ebi has to be made. Don’t even think that because you’ll have a royal reception after the wedding in England will stop us from hosting one. We will show you how to party. If you need an advance insight, check up what Turai did for her daughters. That’s the Nigerian style. If your prime minister thinks that a mere one-day bank holiday is impressive enough, then wait till you come around. We will have a week-long work free day to settle Christians, Moslems and traditionalists.
Security has to be provided. Don’t mind those ‘disgruntled elements’ who peddle falsehood about Nigeria. We are the safest place in the world. You see, kidnapping and the militancy is just a passing phase. The security vote for the Obudu vacation will be in pounds sterling. Since our gap-toothed general will in charge of security, you have nothing to fear.
Also be ready for an unending litany of ‘courtesy calls’ from the governors, their wives, local government chairmen and councillors. And as a royalty, you also have to teach Kate how to rub shoulders with our ‘traditional rulers’. By the way, don’t be surprised if you receive plenty titles, it is part of our ‘federal character’. All the prominent chiefs from the six geo-political zones have to ‘rotate’ their visits in order ensure the survival of our ‘nascent democracy’.
I could continue but for the fact that since this is a mere proposal, you don’t honestly think that I will put all my plans in ink. I don’t want my ideas to be hijacked by some powerful people and ‘rebranded’ as theirs. So as soon the mobilisation fees – see attached – rests in my account, I will intimate you of the comprehensive plans.
For now, good bye.